lesson 39: i'm ok

"Oh you think so do you? Is this one of those drippy self-acceptance posts."

"It is. To end this pilgrimage of the last 40 years, I'd have to say that I'm still learning that I'm OK."

"Am I OK too? Oh my. I can't believe you just said that. A bit pop-psychology like isn't it? Don't you hate that stuff? Well, we're almost near the end of this so continue."

"Thanks. At the risk of complete narcissism or at the very least, self-absorption, here's the first 20 things about myself I've learned to accept." She nods and winks. "OK, here we go:

I have an eye that twitches when I'm tense or when I've been on the computer too long (not tense but mindless).

I like reading books in the bath even though sometimes they fall in and bloat to the size of phone books.

Sometimes I laugh at stupid people. Sometimes I am a stupid person, and then I don't laugh.

I have been known to eat peanut butter with a spoon.

Right now, my legs are hairy. I like the feeling of how smooth my legs are after I shave them when they were really hairy.

I worry about the day I'm no longer pretty and that the days of being coy and flirtatious are nearing the end. (Impressive statement after the hairy leg admission, no?)

I love that moment between sleep and awake when I am still in my dream but I can touch it.

I am sometimes deeply sad that I am not a mother, but when in the elevator with a screaming child I am glad.

I have been known to think "boohoo, poor you" when someone else whining. I would not appreciate someone else thinking the same thoughts about me when I am whining.

I am a silly happy scotch drunk but try not to indulge in this state of mind too often.

I love time alone. Love it.

Despite the fact that I think of myself as anti-social or hermit-like, I am always glad when I go out and spend time with friends. I love staying out until its very late.

I love to watch the sunrise but never (hardly ever) get up early enough to do so. My only hope is to stay up late.

I dream of a day that I could be a musician, an artist, or a writer, but I do not have the self-discipline or finances to follow any of them full time. I dream of having the self-discipline and finances.

I see faces in everything (see above, that's a scary sink face) and they make me laugh.

The word monkeys (in English) and classic hollywood biblical films (e.g. 10 commandments) in German make me laugh compulsively.

I do not like routine but I need it.

I hope that one day I will not be dependent on plants that can survive with minimal care. Not that I want a totally needy plant, but I would like to be an earth mother.

I like burning candles that have heads and find it quite amazing that they produce these candles: easter bunny, santa, snowman, pilgrim, turkey, teddy bear etc. It seems disrespectful to melt them which is why I like it. I have never seen a Jesus candle although I'm sure it must exist. I suspect that if I found a Jesus candle I would not be able to burn it, since I would fear the wrath of god.

My favorite smells include fresh laundry, that weird mucky spring smell that means winter is really over, cigarettes freshly lit, the smell of a candle after you blow it out, nivea cream because it reminds me of how my mom used to smell just before bed, and pine woods."

"Are you done? Nice include of the Charleton Heston pic. You just like his hot sweaty body."

"Yeah well. What are you going to do about it? I'm done for today. I'll finish up tomorrow."

"What about me?"

"You've kind of grown on me... so I just might keep you around."

"Fantastic. So you're saying I have a role as your fictional alter-ego and nemesis in future blog posts?"

"Nemesis? You might be getting ahead of yourself. Sure you're annoying, but I kind of think that a nemesis needs a bit more aggression."

"You want me to be more aggressive? I can be more aggressive."

"Nononono... Quite alright. Keep in mind that I still hold the power of your life in my keyboard."

"Fine. I'll be good."

"Good."

"But I think you need me."

"I'm OK."

"As long as you think so..."